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Never Ending Heartburn

Rebecca and Rafe at the
30-week ultrasound

Follow Rebecca's Journey as she blogs the journey of the latest addition to the Baumgardner family.  This week's post is from Neil Baumgardner (aka Daddy).

Hello everyone! This is Neil, Rebecca's husband, late night craving killer, and emotional roller coaster attendant. You all will be happy to know that the "Mommy Brain" stage is going strong still and we have even graduated into the "Never ending heartburn" stage as well! Today was a big day for the Baumgardner family has we had the opportunity to see our newest little guy again during the 30 week ultrasound. As our two-year-old spun around on the stool while the measurements were being taken of "the one yet to come" it made me think about being in this same spot a couple years ago (minus the daredevil spinning like a monkey on a stool) when we were seeing "Lakes" in Rebecca's placenta and trying to understand the meaning of those notorious "lakes". Little did we know at that time what all was going on with Rafe and the struggles he was having which remained unknown to all of us. I am so very thankful that this pregnancy isn't showing any of the problems that we were seeing with Rafe's but the fear is still always there. "The one yet to come" looks great and is growing nicely!

The other night Rebecca and I were talking as "The one yet to come" was busy playing with all his favorite toys such as Rebecca's bladder, stomach, etc. Rebecca was telling me all about what baby was doing, how active he was, where he was hitting, and what it feels like. I really wish I was able to feel what she feels, have the attachment that she has, to know this little guy like she does. I do have to say and it may come as a shock for some but it is hard for me (and assuming other fathers too) to really know who this person is that is taking over my wife's body and to develop a father/son bond. Yes, it is amazing to have your hand hit/kicked, to know the baby is responding to your voice, but there always seems to be a separation and not a solid connection like one would think. Maybe it's me and only me but it's there. I remember with my first born, Marshall, our bond happened when I was putting his first diaper on him right after cutting the cord and he grabbed ahold of my pinky. From that moment on our bond started and is growing every day since then.

On March 27th 2010 I was able to watch Rafe being taken from his mother and rushed off to the NICU for emergency care. I was very fortunate to be able to follow him into the NICU shortly after I knew Rebecca was good. When I finally arrived in the NICU all I could do is watch the amazing staff there make my son the most important person in the world and work like it was their own lives on the line to save his. Picture this – the woman of your dreams alone after a C-section and your newborn son fighting the fight of his life and all you can do is watch, pray, and trust. Once Rafe was finally on the IV and getting his blood transfusions I was able to hold him for the first time. Finally I was able to have a little alone time with my "Big Soldier" and truly know that he is my son and to start the bond growth with him. In 10 very short weeks I will finally have the opportunity to start a new bond with a new little man!

Click here to read Mommy Brain Stage.